A good laugh was had at my expense at about 5am. Everyone thought it was fucking hilarious-even I laughed. But then the reality of what was said set in and I wanted to run screaming and crying. I think it would have been funnier if it were said behind my back. In fact, I'm sure it was at one point.
Sometimes I can hear my name through the walls. I heard my name whispered while I was in the room and it caught my ear. Then I heard some laughter. My heart sank a little.
What am I doing to warrant this back talk? I don't understand or get where it's coming from. I mean, am I making a fool of myself on a daily basis? I don't mind as long as I know I am making an utter fool of myself, but when people are talking I get nervous. Someone knows something about me that I would rather they didn't and they could spread the details like butter around the dorm. And things get around the dorm, believe me.
When people laugh at me it makes me sick to my stomach. I think the reason I want to do comedy is so that I get people to laugh with me before they get the chance to laugh at me. If I can make them like me through laughing, then I don't have to worry about them laughing at me.
I do this thing, where if I like someone and I find out that they don't share such feelings, I'll sorta of ignore. Then they start ignoring me and I get to the point where I don't even say Hi to them because my vocal chords just lock up with nervous energy. I don't mean to ignore them. I just feel like they can see that I like them all over my face. Written in big, red letters all over my fat face. I LIKE YOU.
The laughing. The laughing. Perhaps I spoke to soon when I said I would miss everyone. My self esteem has been tarnished beyond repair right now and I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I want to leave the fucking country. I want to scream, shout, cry, kill, swear. Things right now are not going very well. I am either going to be deported or....oh god. I haven't slept since 4 am and its 8am. I should just lie down and relax but there is far too much going on in my head right now.
Why can't I just convince myself that I am worth things? That I am attractive? Why do I gauge my worth by how many guys dig me? (so far, I think it's at 2- and both are creepy as hell).
Oh fuck this post. Seriously. No one reads these damn things anyway.
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